just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
