I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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