I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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