Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
