Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
