If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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