Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
