If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
