Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
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HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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