Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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