I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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