Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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