your thong is hanging out like whoa
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
