Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
