Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
