Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
