You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
