y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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