I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
