I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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