she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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