Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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