I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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