So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
