I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
