Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Randomize
