just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
