my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
