Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
