How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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