genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Vodka?
Forever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
