I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
