Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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