two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
