What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
