I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
