No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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