you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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