Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
