Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
