so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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