im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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