I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is classic penis vs brain.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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