You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
