I'm pants shitting drunk right now
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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