He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
should my penis look like a turkey
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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