No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
