I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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