my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Someone shit on the floor
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dicks are not precious.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
