Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
