just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
