Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Randomize
