i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
