seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sorry my hands just texted you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
