Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
