Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
