I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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