I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
