either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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