I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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