Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
