i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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