Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
