my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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