I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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