It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
